This page last edited on:
Saturday, November 16, 2002 11:06:32 AM
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling
you to lead humans where you want them to go when they take you on walkies.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: What you do when your humans have food and you don't. To do this
properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the
floor, or better yet, on their laps. Panting hot breath on their legs helps draw attention
to your drooling.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose
as close as you can to the other dogs rear and inhale deeply. Continue until satisfied or
until your human makes you stop. The Sniff also works well with humans when you absolutely
demand their attention.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which humans put outside to test your ingenuity.
You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it
right you are rewarded with wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark
loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the
bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their human want
them to come inside the house and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the human, then running in the opposite direction and lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger
by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their
heels. If thunderstorm arrives whilst your humans are sleeping, extra effort may be
required to ensure they are aware that the world is coming to an end.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the
house. Chewing the sides of your toy is optional, until your human comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite
to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. A clean bed may be
substituted for a sofa, especially after whiffing and rolling around on shoes that your
human has recently removed after having worn them all day.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. They love this stuff and you can offer them your assistance by running through
puddles, then standing close to your human and shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!".
Best used if your human is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a
fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when a regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require, especially effective when combined with the Sniff.
(Caution: Human butts often emit noises that sound as if they have a bumble bee in there.
This noise is followed immediately by placing blame
RIDE: Something humans always do and dogs wish they could. Never turn
down the chance to "go for a ride", unless your human appears to be in a really
foul mood. Slobbering joyfully whilst hanging your head out the window is accepted.
(Caution: Humans will use this ploy to trick you into going to Vet or Boarding Kennels, so
unless you really dig that ride, listen carefully to their conversations before you agree
to accept their offer.)
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a
human will love you in return.